Stability is Overrated
Stability is overrated… or at least that’s what I told myself when I packed up all my stuff and left home yesterday. Or when I quit my full-time job two weeks ago. Or when I decided a few months ago to pursue a four-month unpaid internship in the Philippines. Or when I made a huge career pivot and decided to go back to grad school in 2021. Or when I moved from DC Northern Virginia to Chicago because I “needed a change of scenery” in 2018. Or when I -
Look, I can’t even say that I was scared for all these changes. The truth is I really do LIVE for experiences like this. Shaking up the [lack of] routine when things get boring. The typical “partner, two kids, home-with-a-white-picket-fence” American Dream life is something that has never appealed to me. (Though, maybe that’s just because of trauma of growing up as a queer kid of color who could never envision that for myself. Story for another time.) I’ve just always felt - somewhere deep in my soul - that those things weren’t meant for me.
And that’s because my mom spoiled me by introducing me to travel at a super young age. Just kidding, I wouldn’t call it spoiled. Definitely privileged, at least. My family has always loved traveling and going on adventures, and that love has passed down to me. Couple that with unbridled independence and a sense of wanderlust and you get a Google calendar full of trips planned. Places to go, things to do, people to see, you know?
Even though I love it, I still can’t help but feel a tiny knot in my stomach right before I make these life changes. Like when you’re at the top of a diving platform and you look down and see just how high up you really are.
Maybe it’s guilt from feeling a tiny bit selfish. Knowing that I’m going to miss some milestones does make me homesick [my little sister finally learning how to drive this summer]. Or tiny, simple, fleeting moments you don’t realize will still make you smile years from now [laughing with friends so hard we cry and I can’t breathe, even though I don’t remember what was so funny]. I already had two weddings and a memorial service this year and it’s only April, so who knows what else I’ll be missing out on while I’m gone? (No, I don’t have FOMO. It’s not like that. Stop judging me LOL.)
I don’t usually make decisions impulsively and my plans are well thought-out. And although I say stability is overrated, I still second-guess myself. But even with some doubts on how it’ll all turn out, I’m not afraid to jump off the diving platform.
And so now on my layover in Riyadh, at my gate 6 hours early because I have nowhere else to go: I’m sitting alone typing this and trying to romanticize the hell out of my life. Thanks for reading - welcome to the blog! :)